After busting the heel off my left boot on Saturday night while out clubbing in downtown San Diego with Jae, I decide to cruise by the mall and check out the current line of new boot styles on sale.

I chose several styles and surrounded my seat with the open boxes to start trying them on. I slip off my shoes and start at it. Pair one pinched my toes. Pair two was too short. Pair three felt like I was about to teeter off the edge. Pair four slipped on easily enough, and I zipped up the zipper to my knee and stood up to walk in them.

Hmm... a little too wobbly-feeling

I take off the right boot and set it back in the box. I start to unzip the left boot, and about two inches above my ankle, the zipper comes to a dead stop.

Uh-oh....

I tug gently on the zipper. I pull it up, and then back down. No such luck. Right at the same spot, the zipper sticks. @#*%!!!

I look around and don't see anyone watching, so I try to look inconspicuous and put a little elbow grease in it. Crap. Now it's really stuck.

Sales associate #1 comes by. "Um, excuse me... can you uh, help me with something maybe?"

She breaks a nail.

Sales associate #2 steps in, and he is ready for business. He gets down on the floor, sets my foot in his lap, and starts fiddling with the zipper.

I hadn't really had a reason to shave since Saturday night, so the whole time this guy is manhandling my left leg, I'm also thinking, "You're touching my stubble.... WHY didn't I shave this morning?!?!?"

Still stuck. He starts cracking jokes about the Jaws of Life and wanders off in search of pliers.

The whole time I sitting in the chair, still surrounded by boots, with people walking by wondering what all the commotion is... Omigod I am SO embarrassed!!

Sales associate #2 comes up, and he raises something in his hands that resembles a two-foot long pair of giant metal calipers. *snap snap!*

At this point, my eyes get HUGE.

He laughs and keeps walking past me towards the back room...

.. and about two minutes later returns empty-handed.

He decides to try the muscle-man approach. Grasping each flap with his hands, he hunkers down and PULLS the boot apart, ripping the zipper completely off. Oh, NOW my foot slides out easily enough.. AFTER the Sales Associate has to destroy a pair of $200 boots!

20 minutes later I walk out with a completely different style of boot. One with less zipper.

For my lunch break today, I decided to take a trip over to Cost Plus to buy some goodies for the gift baskets I'm putting together for Christmas presents. Little did I know...

I was chatting with my dad on the phone and wandering the aisles when I spied the product.

"Oh my god, Dad. You will NOT believe what is on the label of this can in front of me! It's a dick!!"

People in the store stop to stare. Oops. Did I just say that out loud?

No joke:



What will they come up with next?!?!? No wonder I'm having a hard time finding a man! They're canning all their wienies!