$5 lets you spectate a transsexual urinating on a crowd of obnoxious girls and then gets you the ability to pick up a piece of Tranny Loincloth off the floor using two Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans for a gross photo-op. Beer not included.

$5 gives you a ride on the “Times Square Rollercoaster” (i.e. back of Taxi).

$5 gets you Admission to Metropolitan Museum of Art (if you’re feeling generous).

$5 covers a Subway ride and PATH train ride back to friend’s house to fall asleep on their couch to the sound of his roommate having very detailed and disturbing phone sex.

$5 feeds you edamame to compliment the tasting of multiple boxes of sake that cost a hell of a lot more than five dollars…

$5 gives you the chance to watch a dancer named “Dirty Martini” turn her nipple tassels into “assles” (ass-tassels). Not to mention give glitter on Dima’s nose an entirely new meaning until the end of time.

$5 covers admission for two on a NYC subway only to watch a crowd of drunken girls clad in all green sing along to Greenday’s “Time of Your Life” at the top of their slurry, off-key voices while the subway musician looks on in horror.

$5 gets you the opportunity to hear Jesus Christ yell out, “Who wants to see some BOOBIES??

But.... getting a "golden elephant surprise" for your birthday? PRICELESSSSSS

While enjoying a martini in a blues bar in Greenwich Village, I overheard the following conversation between a girl who just arrived and a table full of Austrian men. Upon arrival, the girl sat down and began putting on her dance shoes. one of the Austrians notices and leans over:

Austrian: "Are those dancing shoes?"
Girl: "Why yes, they are"
Austrian: "What kind of dance is this?"
Girl: "It is kind of a bastardization of lindy hop and west coast swing done to blues music, but much dirtier than what they did in the 30's and 40's."
Austrian: "It looks like a mating dance."
Girl: "No one ever said the blues weren't dirty. I can assure you many of them are NOT mating!"
Austrian: "Let's see who you want to mate with. Can I see a demonstration?"

I completely lost it and nearly my martini as well.