My friends, fellow MySpacers, and would-be-friends: Learn from these mistakes. If someone sends me a message that is lam0rz, canned MySpace email, or anything of the such, it's getting abused. Heavily. Completely anonymous, of course (I'm not THAT mean). But if I am mean enough to send you a response, generally it will be exactly like my responses outlined here. Read on and learn. Most recent listed first. And yes, these are actual messages I get in my inbox..
---------------------------------Who's YOUR Daddy? Hmm.. and to think that some of you know my real-life comedy story that is titled the same.. (March, 2006 *update*)
"hi. i would love to make you my bitch."
I'm nobody's bitch. Especially not for a guy who actually LOOKS like Carl from Fresh Prince.
---------------------------------Swing THIS. Define "Swinger"... (March, 2006 update)
"Hi. I just returned from Iraq and my wife and I are looking to spice up our marriage a lil bit by bringin in a hot little third partee. We like cuddle and sensualism parties."
... First off, I don't swing like that. I swing DANCE. Second, even if I was into that... if you're going to proposition me for this kind of thing, at least be drop-dead gorgeous and not Jabba The Hutt, because looking at THAT when I clicked on your profile pics definitely made me scream. In horror.
---------------------------------WTF. Who ARE you?!?!
"just a question.... I have a camera and uh ....so gangbang sounds good?.....great. "
Cameras and gangbanging... don't people CHARGE for this shit? How about you give me the camera, force-feed yourself a banana and a can of 7-Up, and we see what happens?
------------------------------------------------The "Canned" Email This is the kind of email that is composed, copied, and sent out to every single female you come across in your search. This is called desperate and UNORIGINAL. Two very quick ways to repel members of the opposite sex.
"Hey You!
How are you doing this evening?
My name is *anonymous*
Come check out my profile and let me know what you think of me.
I really enjoyed reading your profile and viewing your picture. (Youre Cute!!!)
Hope to hear back from you soon and maybe we can get to know each other better!
I cant wait to hear from you,
-*anonymous*"
-----------------------------------The "Way to friggin' direct" Message This is sick. This is a surefire way to make a girl never talk to you again, and you can bet she's going to tell her friends ALL about you (and to avoid you like the plague). This is the type of message that is typed by a guy who hasn't seen female genatalia since he was pushed out at birth but
*thinks* he knows what it's all about..... but clearly he is mistaken.
"Hi. Want to fuck?"
--------------------------------------The Kindergarten Tactic Type like a kindergartener, and the woman you're trying to attract is going to call a babysitter. For YOU.
"hI. i think yer cutee."
"excuse me if i come off too strong but u r extremely beautiful im really finding it hard to leave ure page but seein as i have to send this message i think ill have to for a brief second id really like to get to know u im really looking forward to hearing back from you."
-----------------------------Attempting to be Romeo.... and failing miserably....
"Hello, I think I'm in love with you."
... makes me think Romeo's dead, christ.
---------------------------------- Indescribable, yet canned. Don't mention marriage. EVER."Body:
Hi, dear lady,
happy to meet you.
Your photos are very nice.
I am *anonymous* in Beijing, China.
I am seeking a girlfriend, whose height is between 165cm--173cm.
I wish she is educated & tender.
I am sincere.
Please read my profile, so you can understand something about me.
My height is 175 cm.
Now I am manager of software department in a corporation in Beijing.
I am senior software analyst.
I am also ambitious scholar, more than software engineer.
I will try to earn enough money for our family, if you marry me.
If you are interested, I will send you some pictures about China & myself at once.
so you can understand something about China at first.
Please give me your email address.
Please believe me, my letter is not a joke.
If we love each other, I like to live with you in your side. You need not to move to China.
I am sincere for a marriage.
My email address:
*withheld*
On hotmail.com , I have instant messager.
I wish I can talk with you by instant messager.
Thanks.
*anonymous* in Beijing, China"
For chrissakes, what do you take me for, an effin' mail order bride?!?!---------------------------------Superfreak. Don't offer to get freaky with me on a webcam. It isn't going to happen. Especially if you're a chick (sorry, guys!).
"Hey, my name's *anonymous*, and am getting through college doing what I do best - getting freaky on my webcam=^) Come check me out for free by clicking here! Hope to see ya soon;) XOXO *anonymous* ps.. I couldn't figure out how to upload a pic to myspace (my computer is being all whacky) so here I am"
ummm.... yeah......---------------------------------WTF. I've never been propositioned oustide of a Taco Bell before....
"This isn't meant to lead you on... but I have a Taco Bell right next to my house where we could have a nice citrinella candle light dinner at one of the tables outside. After you have finished your bean burrito and after I'd fed you a cinnamon twist or twelve, we could then head back to my place for a penis in the butt. Sound like a good time? "
Sounds like a great time to me... in HELL.
